Recovery Awareness Month continues with Melissa’s story

    Editor’s Note: In recognition of Recovery Awareness Month, the Link for Hope Coalition will offer the citizens information regarding hope and recovery. This is the second true story of recovery to be featured during the month of September.    Melissa — whose name has been changed — was a beautiful child. She was strong-willed, full of adventure and energy, always pushing the envelope and a passionate defender of the underdog. She had a strong traditional family, surrounded with love from not only her parents but also her aunts, uncles, and grandparents. She had a charm that won the hearts of her teachers and her classmates. By the time she was in high school, she had already been chosen “queen” of her school, was co-captain of her basketball team and a class officer. Clearly she could have chosen any peer group she desired and would have been accepted, but in the years that followed, her desire to use (which later became her addiction) made her choose groups that were using.
I had heard about all the signs, when their grades drop, mood swings, changes friends, and she had them all. But no one had told me what to do when I saw those signs. By the time she was a junior in high school, she had quit all her sports activity and she was barely passing her classes. The Melissa I had loved and nurtured was deep inside an angry, sullen and abusive girl. Life at home was unbearable and I thought I was going to lose my mind. I had no idea she was using because she was very good at lying and manipulation. It wasn’t until after she had made the decision to suddenly move out of our home that I realized how much drinking and drugging was going on. We were heartsick, disappointed, confused and scared. We had no idea where she was, who she was living with or if she was safe.
When I finally found her, I became someone I didn’t know anymore. I begged, pleaded, used manipulation, made promises, ANYTHING to get her to come back home. Nothing worked. She walked away from everyone she had ever loved so she could use. What began as experimenting with alcohol and marijuana turned into addiction. When alcohol and pot weren’t enough, she began using cocaine and methamphetamine. That is the power of addiction.
What I learned years later about her drug use was that it began when she was in junior high with a taste of alcohol from a friend’s parents’ liquor cabinet. That was also the year she used marijuana for the first time.
Night after night I found myself in my husband’s arms crying myself to sleep. Neither of us knew what to do. I could barely function. I did only what was necessary because I had no energy to do any more. I went to work, came home and wrapped myself in a blanket and cried. My co-workers were concerned for my emotional state, as was my family. Finally my boss, a recovering person, strongly suggested I attend Al-Anon, a 12-step program for family and friends of addicted people. My first thought was, “There is nothing wrong with me. If she would just get some help, I’d be fine.” But I was far from fine. I finally agreed to attend a meeting. I cried for the whole hour I was there, but I felt such warmth, acceptance and understanding. I took home literature about addiction and went back the next week, and the next and the next. Finally I was able to separate the disease from the person. I was able to “let go and let God.” I began to feel like a person again.
I must admit it hasn’t always been easy. I’ve had many slips, but then I remember, “Let go and let God.” By letting go, I have had to watch my beautiful, full of life child go through some extremely painful, albeit self-inflicted, experiences. She has spent time in jail, been jobless, homeless, and had an unwanted pregnancy. The relationships she once cherished are strained or broken. Obviously she is not exactly where she thought she would be at this time in her life, but she is functioning as best she can as a wife and mother. I have learned to let her live her life, to allow her to experience successes and failures, to stop rescuing her and to let go and let God. I have learned to set appropriate boundaries, let her face the consequences of her choices and keep myself safe. I have learned that I did not cause this disease, I can’t control it, and I can’t cure it.
Through the self-help programs I attend, Al-Anon and Celebrate Recovery, I have found healthy ways to cope with my child’s addiction. I can now separate the disease from the person. I’ve learned that I can love the addict and hate the addiction. I know in my heart this is not what she wanted; just as I would love her if she had any other disease, I love her.
I share this painful experience with you in hopes that people who are faced with the addiction of a loved one will reach out to a support group in your area. You are not alone. Remember, untreated addiction is a progressive, terminal disease. Your loved one’s behavior is affected by this disease. I thank God I am walking the road of recovery, one day at a time.
Melissa’s Mother
If you are a family member of someone struggling with addiction, you may find the help you are looking for at the following websites: www.al-anon.alateen.org/al-anon-in-maine; http://www.celebraterecovery.com/cr-groups/group-locator or http://csoaamaine.org/.