Boundaries, rules and consequences need to begin at home

    Boundaries, rules and consequences…who needs them? We all do or our lives would be utter chaos. Not only do we need them but according to a recent nationwide survey of more than 218, 000 students in grades 6-12, youth want them.  Fifty three percent of youth surveyed said they either have enough or too much freedom, thirty-five percent think it is okay for parents to block violent or offensive content on TV and thirty percent want restrictions on their Internet access. As surprising as that may seem youth are looking for clear rules and consequences.
    According to the Search Institute, the establishment of boundaries begins at home, Family Boundaries, Asset #10, of the 40 Developmental Assets. When families work together to create clear, concise, consistent, and developmentally appropriate expectations, youth feel a sense of ownership in the decision making process. This affords them the opportunity to question the rules that seem unreasonable and suggest consequences that seem fair.         The process of working together as a family to create a “code of ethics” is just as important as the code itself. It brings families together in a positive, healthy, and productive way.
    The boundaries set by families should be brief and to the point. It is much easier to find loop-holes in complicated and confusing rules. The complication leads to arguments, and confusion. When parents/guardians work together to support and uphold the boundaries and consequences the entire family benefits. This support of each other speaks louder than words in the ears of youth.
    A common mistake many families make when creating a “code of ethics” is they create expectations that are not age appropriate for the youth in their lives. A seven year old should have a different set of expectations than a seventeen year old. Too often, especially for very young children our expectations are set beyond what they are capable of meeting. This leads to frustration for both the child and adult. However there are universal in-bound and out-of-bound expectations that all adults can model and expect from their children regardless of their age. In-bound behaviors are the actions that are positive and healthy including respect for people, kindness and honesty. Out-of-bounds behaviors are those that your family “code of ethics” list as unacceptable and may include violent behavior or foul language. The earlier we instill these expectations at home, the greater success our children will have as they enter the community, schools and neighborhoods where boundaries are already in place.
    Although youth long for guidelines, there is sometimes a gap in what they want to do and what parents will allow. The majority of disagreements during the teenage years occur because of this freedom gap. Talk to your child about the direct connection between freedom and trust. The more youth keep their promises, are honest, think before they act and keep parents updated on their lives the more parents are apt to extend additional freedoms. Freedom is something that is earned but when it has been earned, reward it.
    It takes time, effort and energy to be firm and consistent with your children but the consequences of haphazard boundaries is much more labor intensive for us all. Take the time, make a difference in your child’s life by creating a family “code of ethics” that everyone will be proud of, that everyone can call their own.
   “Want to know more about the 40 Developmental Assets and ideas for helping young people build them? Visit www.search-institute.org/assets.
    This article was brought to you by Aroostook Substance Abuse Prevention. For more information about ASAP and 40 Developmental Assets contact Allison Heidorn, Project Assistant (540-6772) or visit www.asapcoalition.com.