The Battered Women’s Project
By Jamie Cleary
Dating and violence should never be a couple, but for many teenagers around the country, it is a reality. Girls between the ages of 16 and 24 experience the highest rates of intimate partner violence. According to a Teen Dating Violence Survey by Liz Claiborne, Inc. one out of five teenage girls who have been in a relationship said their boyfriend had threatened violence or self-harm when presented with a break up. One in three teenagers report having a friend or classmate who has been hit, punched, kicked, slapped, or strangled by a dating partner. Dating violence can include physical and sexual abuse such as punching, slapping, shoving, grabbing, degrading comments about women, rape, and even murder. Verbal and emotional abuse which may involve threats of violence, name calling, intimidation, jealousy, possessiveness, and controlling behaviors are common.
There are warning signs to look for in a new or continuing relationship that may alert teens that they are involved in an abusive relationship that may be risky: Boyfriends or girlfriends that are possessive and extremely jealous; New relationships that get very serious very quickly; Intimidation, threats, or bullying behaviors by a dating partner that insist you act or be something that you are not; Sometimes even telling you what to wear; The insistence by a dating partner that you don’t need to be around your family and your friends in effect isolating you from all of the people that care about you; Playing mind games that keep you unsure of what to expect and when to expect it; Explosive behavior where your partner loses their temper over little things; Remember if it doesn’t feel good it isn’t good; A loving relationship is energizing not draining.
Teen dating violence can be hard to recognize. Teenagers are rather inexperienced with relationships and can fail to see that their boyfriend or girlfriend is being abusive, especially if they are not physically abusive. In a culture where dating is the norm girls and boys often misinterpret possessiveness and controlling behavior for love. They may think that the possessiveness is because they are loved so much and their partner really enjoys spending time with only them. Some clues that a teenager may be in an abusive relationship are physical signs of injury, skipping school, failing grades, changes in mood or personality, use of drugs and/or alcohol, emotional outbursts, loss of friends, sadness, depression and isolation.
A teen writes:
“A while after he got a new car, I accidentally dropped my compact and spilled powder in the car. He got so mad, he opened the car door and tried to push me out on the freeway. One time, I borrowed his car when mine was being repaired. I carefully parked it in the driveway of my friend’s house so nothing could happen to it. While I was there, the next-door neighbors put on their sprinklers and got the car wet. I was so scared, I was shaking. When I brought his car back to him, it had water spots. ‘You idiot! You moron!’ he yelled at me, in my face, spitting at me, for what felt like forever. His family was there, watching. They didn’t say anything. I saw darkness, as if I were passing out.” (an excerpt of a true story from the book “In Love & In Danger” by Barrie Levy.)
If you have a friend or family member who is being abused there are ways you can help. Please remember that you cannot rescue the person. It ultimately has to be their decision to leave the relationship. Your role is to be there for support.
The Battered Women’s Project provides information and resources to teens as well as teen dating violence/healthy relationship trainings to the local schools and community groups free of charge. If you would like more information contact The Battered Women’s Project at 532-4004 or 1-800-439-2323.
